The Overlord List: A Response, or, Will Success Ruin Dr. Anton Phibes?

 (This is pretty much cut and pasted with minor edits from a Livejournal - remember that? - entry I posted on the 5th of June, 2005, a little over 11 years ago... to the day. Which is nice.)

Okay, there's this thing called The Overlord list. It's been knocking about for ages... here, for the two of you who haven't seen it yet, is mister linkie: 

http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

What a load of old bollocks. Frankly, if I ever become an evil overlord - though I prefer the term criminal mastermind - I will not be doing ANY of these things.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m anti-Supervillainy. Why, I'd LOVE to be a Supervillain. And not one of your modern psychologically scarred, angst-filled murdering ones, or your modern corporate evildoers... oh no. A PROPER supervillain, with a big red cape with a collar that's higher than my head and a big chair that's higher than that and that spins around so that I can turn around from playing my massive pipe-organ / death-ray control device to face my arch-nemesis dramatically swishing my cape around in the bargain. I'll have a kitty and a zeppelin and a horde of genetically altered winged monkeys with Tommyguns and a death-ray laser and a volcano lair. And I'll chew the scenery like Vincent Price, and if I capture the hero, I'll put him in a deathtrap that's very easy to escape from, and a quick death will ALWAYS be too good for my enemies, and I'll always trust the plucky heroine when she pretends to change sides, and my self-destruct button will always be clearly labelled.

Because the makers of the Overlord list have missed the point.

The point of being an Insane Criminal Mastermind isn't winning. I mean, seriously, who wants to control the world? Not me. Too much paperwork, and listening to politicians, and dealing with things like the economy and trade relations and border disputes and special interest groups and lobbyists and public functions and meetings, meetings, meetings... GLAH! These are exactly the sorts of thing that one becomes an Evil Criminal Mastermind in order to avoid!

No, the point of being an Insane Criminal Mastermind is interrupting all Television and Radio Signals to make ominous warnings against the people of Earth, and wearing a big cape (because nobody - especially not less a maniacally-grinning fashion maven with a bulletproof bob - can tell you not to! Haha!), and shaking your fist, and crushing a globe in your gauntleted hand, and laughing maniacally, and gloating over your captives, and explaining how clever your scheme is, and telling the president and the UN what nob-ends they are and how they'll never stop you, and being called a diabolical fiend by all the best people...* Because proper Super-Villainy... as opposed to your murdery psychos and corporate scumbags... is meant to be FUN! It’s lively, energetic, flambouyant, and you know what the best part of being a proper supervillain is? You never, ever have to die. All those clever trousers modern-type wannabe supervillains with their three-piece suits and corporate offices? Ever notice they always die? Always. And the bad guy supervillains with the goatees and red velvet opera cloaks? They always live. They get away at the last minute in their escape capsules, or they pull a lever and escape through a concealed trapdoor into an underground escape route. Oh sure, their castles, secret volcano lairs and death ray zeppelins usually cop it in the ear, but they're always back with another one... maybe a submarine, or a giant stompy robot mecha suit, or a secret hide-out in the hidden dinosaur infested jungle at the North Pole...

Seriously, even when they fall screaming into a nuclear reactor, or a stream of molten magma, or get torn to pieces by their vengeful swarm of genetically altered dinosaurs, the hero will always say, "There's no way ANYONE could have survived that!" And the TRUE Supervillain ALWAYS does! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa! But the MAIN reason the Overlord list is a load of old bollocks is because, well, I wrote to them, outlining all the reasons why their list doesn't make sense. And you know what they did? They LAUGHED at me! AT MEEEEE!!! But just you wait... I'll show them. I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!!! HAAAAaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

(trips on cape, falls over) 
(* - not to mention flagrant and repeated use of the Oxford Comma! The most truly diabolical of ALL commas!)