The Dream Theatre Presents... 'Asterix and the Fall of Rome'

Several nights ago, I dreamed of a final Asterix book which does not exist...

 'Asterix and the Fall of Rome'

Our Stalwart Heroes

    In the story, the Emperor (definitely not Julius Caesar), furious that so many territories are fighting back against occupation, traces the cause to a single Gaulish village which stands as an inspiration and rallying point to people across Europe. In response, he flies into a fury and declares that the day of cunning plots and stratagems is over. If they cannot be convinced, cajoled or conned, then they shall be Crushed!

    He plans to send the entire might of the Legions to destroy the village once and for all!

    Fortunately, this plan is overheard and word eventually gets back to the village. While many of the villagers are optimistic, Getafix delivers a terrible pronouncement - The Magic Potion must not be used for War, as that would corrupt its nature. Under its influence, a warlike Gaulish people would become a worse scourge than Rome. 

    However, the ever-resourceful Asterix has an idea. If the Romans cannot be defeated by the forces of War, maybe Friendship might win out over Force. He and Obelix will visit all of the people that have aided over the years and seek their assistance.  

    It's at this point where a scene I can clearly recall happens.

    There's a big meeting hall and various people are showing up. Someone (Cacofonix?) is ticking their names off his list as they enter.

    It cuts to inside and someone approaches Asterix saying that everyone's turned up, but there's another group outside who aren't on the list.
He heads outside and it's the Pirates.

Captain Redbeard and Peg Leg
(Not pictured, Baba the Lookout, a regrettable racial caricature)

    Redbeard delivers a flowery and overly poetical speech in which he refers indirectly to the countless misfortunes that he and his men have suffered over the years, but that he's come to his senses, and he'd much rather be an ally to the Gauls than an enemy. 

    Asterix pauses, confused and overwhelmed by this outburst and says, "I'm sorry, are you are...?"

    For a moment, the two parties stare silently at one another, but then Redbeard's eye twitches and he launches himself furiously at Asterix while the others hold him back. The Peg Legged Pirate tips his helmet and says, "I'm sorry. He's had a long day. We'll see ourselves out." (There should definitely be a Latin joke in there, but unfortunately, by subconscious neglected to make me bilingual. Wotta punk.)

    As Asterix is headed back in, Obelix asks what that was all about. Asterix shrugs and says, "I'm not sure. I think they were collecting for charity."

    The story continues, and essentially, it's a series of short vignettes where the massive army of Rome is gradually whittled down piece by piece as they cross Europe by a succession of recurring characters. Each of these is done in the form of some sort of regionally-appropriate trickery rather than any kind of violence.

    There's a running joke as Obelix keeps wanting to head out and bash Romans, but is reminded that he has to help defend the village. Each time he pouts, "There'll be hardly any Romans left by that time!"

    This proves prophetic as, having finally reached The Indomitable Village, the Emperor delivers an appropriately imperious speech (ending in, "Look Upon my Works, ye Mighty, and Despair!") and then turns to address his troops with a triumphant shout of "Behold! The Power of Rome!" 

    Behind him is a handful of rag-tag soldiers, just barely holding themselves together. 

    At first, Asterix is worried that Obelix will be disappointed ("Despair? I despair of these soldiers!"), but looks over to see him comforting the remaining soldiers, patting their backs and saying, "There, there! I'm sure we'll have a lovely punch-up next time!" While an increasingly red-faced and furious Emperor throws a massive tantrum behind them, exhorting the troops to Crush! Kill! Destroy!

    Eventually, he stalks off, swearing to raise an even mightier army.

    Cut to Banquet Scene. This is a huge, double-page spread featuring a who's who of Asterix characters (and a key to identifying them by name and which volume they appeared in). 

    Epilogue #1: The Emperor re-enters Rome, still furious. He fails to see characters rushing past him in the opposite direction with arms full of loot (Some of these characters might look familiar to those who've read 'Asterix and the Goths'). 

    The Emperor enters his palace a voice bubble emerges from the door. It's the Emperor, who calls for his slaves to run him a bath; his feet are killing him. 

    In the next panel, a second voice bubble, in Gothic script reads, "Who are you and what are you doing in my house?"

From 'Asterix and the Goths'

    Epilogue #2: The pirates are sitting, dejected by the side of the road. Redbeard’s head is in his hands and his helmet has fallen off his head and is lying on the road in front of him. 

    Dogmatix can be seen running past them, and pauses briefly to sniff at the helmet before trotting along. Obelix’s legs follow, chasing after him. 

    “Oh look,” he says, “it’s those charity people from the other evening. Here you go.”

    He pauses, drops a coin in Redbeard’s helmet and hurries on after his dog. 

    A pause.

    Redbeard says, “D’you see that, lads? We just had a run-in with those Gauls, and not only did our ship not get sunk, we actually came out ahead!”

    He holds up the single coin, laughing like a maniac, “Haha! D’you see? Our Luck Has Turned! We finally got one up on those Blasted Gauls! This time, WE WIN!”

    He stands up and the others begin climbing to their feet. “C’mon, lads…”

    Next page, a glorious full-page shot of a coastal inlet with the pirate’s ship in it. The pirates are rushing like a bunch of excited kids down a path that winds down a hill to the beach where their jollyboat is, “...Adventure Awaits!”

The two scenes featuring the Pirates are the two I recalled with the most clarity, and I remember this last image really giving me a feeling much like the last 'Calvin and Hobbes' comic strip... that the published stories were definitely over, but that the characters and their adventures would linger forever in the minds of anyone who meets them.

The Final 'Calvin & Hobbes' Comic Strip