On the Origin of the Species: The Hanna-Barbarians

     This image marched across my feed about an hour ago and, as is its wont, my brain decided it was time to go on a deep dive. 

    The normal response to such a gag would be to chuckle and move on, but not my damn brain. So here's where I ended up:

    It all began in 60 Million Years BCE, on the land-mass known as Pangaea with a civilization of almost entirely bipedal reptilian dinosaur descendants. Little is known of this civilization, with most of the academic work on this subject by Sir David Tushingham¹, a noted paleontologist with a PhD from Oxford Community College and founder of the Famous Paleontologists' Home Study Course.

Sir David Tushingham, PhD

    Based on his findings, we have been able to infer that this civilization was uncannily similar in many ways to that of North America in the latter half of the 20th Century, almost as though that societal template is buried somewhere, deep within the recessive genetic code of all life on Earth. As with modern society, this civilization was largely driven by the demands of a kind of voraciously parasitic and all pervasive capitalism, and it was this that marked the end of the Reptilian Civilization as, due to a series of easily-avoidable errors, an artificially induced ice age would appear to have wiped out the larger Reptilians². 

    During this period, there are glimpses of a precolonial hominid civilization, though they are little regarded by the Reptilians and are treated as little more than animals³. However, evidence would assume that their smaller size, faster metabolism and warm blood allowed them to survive during the harsh ice-ages, until conditions had reverted to a point where a new settlement could be formed.

    This settlement was built upon a dense layer of heavy bedrock, from which the settlement took its name. This settlement was mainly built around quarrying, as almost all  of this civilization's technology, from housing to transportation to pots and pans and even primitive games or recreational equipment was made of carved stone. It is from this almost universal reliance upon stone that we derive the name of this epoch as Moderni Lapis Aetate, or the Modern Stone Age, and its predominant culture, Homo Flintstonii (Flint Stone Man)⁴. 

    Homo Flintstonii eventually settled in areas which had once been inhabited by the Reptilians and, by a slow process of gradually growing to understand the ruins of their houses, vehicles and technology, to the point where, again, they were able to advance to a societal and cultural level similar once again to North America in the latter half of the 20th Century. There was some degradation in understanding, though, which was probably why Homo Flintstonii was only able to advance to a point akin to the early-to-mid 1960's, while the Reptilian Civilization was more like that of North America in the early to mid-1990's.

    Physically, Homo Flintstonii greatly resembled modern humans, though they were different in a number of ways. The males were squat and tended towards being barrel-chested, with thick arms and legs ending in much larger than normal hands and feet, and with almost no neck to speak of. These features would have given them the strength needed to work the stone which provided the basis for their civilization. The feet are especially interesting, having thick, prominent toes, were used to propel the heavy, stone roller-like vehicles they used, and appear to be sufficiently powerful to have been capable of moving them at quite a speed. The soles, meanwhile were tough, flat and resilient, and seem to have been capable of bringing these heavy vehicles effectively to a stop, even at high speeds.
    Males also had large and protuberant noses similar to the modern day proboscis monkey. For some time, this puzzled anthropologists, until discoveries of large numbers of animal bones living in the ruins alongside Homo Flintstonii. This was taken as evidence that Homo Flintstonii had an extensive culture of domestication of smaller mammals, birds and reptiles, and even a form of lesser sauropod (much like a pygmy version of the bronotosaurus or diplodicus). It is possible that the noses of Homo Flintstonii gave them an ability to sense pheromonal cues, which made them natural animal handlers. Further evidence, in the form of ritual apparel made of fur and horn which would be worn by the males to give them the appearance and scent of some form of Aurox or primitive water buffalo, would lend further credence to this theory.

    Female Flintstonii, on the other hand, are vastly different in basic skeletal form, having far more in common with modern homo sapiens, including longer limbs and smaller hands and feet. Their main difference was a larger than normal head in proportion to their body. This would seem to indicate that the female Flintstonii were as adept at animal handling, if not more, than their male counterparts, but also more intelligent overall, with a wider and more comprehensive overview of societal development. 

    However, living alongside Homo Flintstonii was a mutant offshoot (Homo villosus, or 'Shaggy Man'). Similar in overall structure to their more prevalent cousins, they developed during the ice-age, evolving from the earlier hominids. Overall, they are similar to Flinstonii males, though their bodies are covered with layers of thick, coarse fur capable of retaining body heat and keeping out cold. They have similarly oversized and powerful hands and feet, but tend towards having slightly more wiry limbs. Like Flintstonii, they have the long, protruding nose which would indicate that, like modern Polar Bears, they were far more likely to use smell as a primary sense than eyesight.
    Their most amazing adaption, though, was an ability to slow their metabolic rate to almost zero and induce a hibernation like state. For decades, this was considered an unlikely fringe theory until several unsettling discoveries. For a while in the late 1960s, there were rumours concerning a pair of twins known professionally as 'The Slag Brothers' who had become involved with an underground car rally. These rumours, however, were easily ignored, given their dubious nature, the illegality of the events, and the fact that the chief promoter of the so-called 'Wacky Races' was an inveterate huckster prone to flights of fancy⁵. 
    In the late 1970's, however, scientists were finally able to examine a living specimen, a creature affectionately known as 'Cavey'⁶. He appears to have suffered no lasting damage considering the extended time he spent in suspended animation. Unfortunately, while the specimen has been shown to be capable of limited speech, his vocabulary is limited and he is incapable of processing complex concepts. This means that, despite a willingness to be interviewed, he simply lacks the cognitive ability to communicate much in the way of verifiable information.
    Much of the information we've been able to discern about his history has been thanks to the work of novelist and amateur sleuth Dee Dee Skyes and her book, 'Stone-Age Superman' (1986, Crown Publishing). While the book is tremendously informative and an invaluable resource, it has to be said that it lacks a degree of academic rigour and impartiality.

    One piece of information is that, while Homo villosus did live alongside Homo Flintstonii, they were a people in decline. As the extreme weather so to did villosus, following the cold away from civilization towards colder climes. Villosus, while more hardy, was less intelligent and numerous than Flintstonii. There are some isolated reports that interbreeding between the two groups was capable of producing offspring. A particular  myth amongst the Flintstonii refers to a foundling child who, even as a baby, possessed uncanny, even superhuman strength⁷. With that said, legends of superhumanly powerful child-heroes are common, with tales of Cu Chulainn killing a fierce hound as a child, or Herakles strangling poisonous serpents in his crib. Like Herakles, the child was almost always depicted carrying a large club, which, according to 'Cavey' was a kind of 'culture weapon'.

    This story of cultural weaponry is borne out again in cave paintings from centuries later depicting repeated images of a mythic hero carrying an identical club to the one borne by the foundling (and carried by 'Cavey'), and wearing ritual garb, similar to that worn by the Flintstonii Aurox Cult⁸. 

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1. 'Dinosaurs' Season 2, Episode 16 "The Clip Show" (Jan 22, 1992) and Season 3, Episode 22 "The Clip Show II' (July 2, 1993).
2. 'Dinosaurs' Season 4, Episode 7 "Changing Nature" (July 20, 1994)
3. 'Dinosaurs' Season 3, Episode 5 "The Discovery" (Oct 23, 1992) and Season 3, Episode 21 "Charlene and her Amazing Humans" (May 9, 1993), among others.
4. 'The Flintstones' (Hanna Barbera, 1960-1966)
5. 'The Wacky Races' (Hanna Barbera, 1968-1969)
6. 'Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels' (Hanna Barbera, 1977-1980)
7. Bamm-Bamm Rubble, who first appeared in 'The Flintstones' Season 4, Episode 3 "Little Bamm Bamm" (Oct 3, 1963)
8. 'The Mighty Mightor' (Hanna Barbera, 1967-1969)